So I had a crazy day, Friday. I’ll spare the major details–other than saying that I had to face one of my demons–my time is just all jacked. We don’t choose who we are, but we do choose our paths. Sometimes circumstance chooses our path. And sometimes our paths are completely crazy & dramatic. But it goes without saying that I like dramatic because it forces me to feel. To think. I wear my heart on my sleeve because I’m an idiot, but its just who I am. It feels good, to deal with shit even if it is a mess sometimes. I’m difficult to understand. But…“Silver Springs is a great old song.” Stevie’s screaming intensity gets me through, “why was I such a fool!!!” Because John Waters had “his Divine”–we all have weird things that touch our lives, even if we can’t really explain or make complete sense of them.
“I am, at heart, a gentleman.”
(but should be followed with: and nice guys always finish last…)
When I returned to the city, my city, talking and laughing retardedly on the phone to one of my favoritest people in the world–I found myself horribly late for my acupuncture appointment because The Edens was a total fucking nightmare. I was upset because I’m so loyal to my acupuncturist. I felt terrible to be late. I was determined to just pay her anyway and chill in the waiting area with nice dark lights and soothing music. I ran into the bathroom and she immediately jumped up, “Farrin is that you!” I tried to just push past her and say, no, no–don’t even deal with me, I’m an asshole and was late–I don’t deserve relaxation and needles, blah blah blah… (again, the gentleman that always loses). But maybe like a little bit of a miracle, she knew that I needed it, so she just kind of herded me into the treatment room and started needling me.
And even though she didn’t even check my pulse because I was a racing lunatic, I think she could sense my weird energy through her little magical needles, enough that she knew to give me this crazy, amazing face massage (for the first time ever). My jaw was like a powerhouse of negative energy–I had no idea. It was like an out of body experience! So unreal and intense for me. I don’t let people get close to me, not like that. But I love that she just passes my barriers with this gentle spirit that I have never seen in my life. Its not weird, its not hard, its not out-of-place, its not…anything I’ve ever experienced. But it was the best treatment that I’ve ever had. The needles just seemed to speak to my soul. I could feel the negative energy leaving the cracks of my crazy injured beast. I can see clearly–what I want, what I expect, and what I’ll demand of my future. The pieces that do not fit will be shoved aside or rearranged to where they do and/or discarded entirely. I will make my dreams a reality and accept nothing less. It will take time, but anything worth it, always does.
So I am closing this week with a huge sigh…It was one of the longest weeks of my life. A tremendous amount of stress and agony with work, entering a short in a film festival, & my crazy life. Unfortunately, it won’t quite be over until I either sign this lease for another year or decide to move out and on–TOMORROW. Grrrrr. Nothing is easy.
Side notes about Morgan: I love that its a LEED certified green building. Even if there’s an enormous amount of student garbage. I really LOVE that there is a giant pharmacy RIGHT outside of my door, and NewLeaf Natural Grocery is only a stones throw from our building. I also LOVE the hispanic gay doorman that makes the most amazing coffee for the building on the weekends. I adore the crazy wanda sykesesque doorlady that cusses me (for my dog) & bitches at me to finish her painting. I would miss the big windows so bad, especially this winter when its so dark and I want to just explode in February. Its expensive, but since I started eating better, I don’t spend as much on food (fatty). It’s safe & ridiculously convenient. I’m nervous about my job always being a landmine, but such is life. If I stay another year, I can paint and fix up my little editing room and that would be soooo great. Mariela doesn’t like the idea of red, but I have to have it…its the only thing that makes me feel better. So I say, tough titty.
I absolutely loved having a quiet peaceful morning today… alone in my head, with my camera. Bliss. I think I’m gonna go back to painting with oils about it. I’ve dealt with acrylics for a long time. They ain’t me. I like the long leisure of oils. I like to think when I paint, not rush around before the damn air dries. That’s work. Painting shouldn’t be work.
“…but never, ever been a blue calm sea. I have always been a storm.” –Stevie Nicks
P.S. This taking a picture of myself everyday business is very difficult. Even for someone with such a false sense of confidence…I love this one though because it took me literally forever before I noticed that was Mariela peering over my shoulder. Ha! Even funnier that the other shoulder is cropped…but alas, this is my year of total change and I’m gonna show it day by day.