CopyCatFilms

My lady had a very nice New Year’s resolution list below, so concise that i think I’ll steal the ones from her list that I want to try and not bother making my own list. Make more lists isn’t one of my resolutions after all. That being said, I have a special New Year’s list (lying less isn’t on my list either apparently!)  that I am going to have to start just 5 days into the new year: Stupidest Moves of 2009

On Saturday night, a mere 2 days into the new year, I’m pretty sure I made the Top of the Stupidest Moves of 2009 list. Really there might not be an actual list unless I do something dumber than this. I got really really drunk. Too drunk. And I didn’t even get sick or I don’t know, kiss some stranger. It was much worse. I can barely write it.

I… passed on hot angry sex. I didn’t ‘pass out’ on angry sex, I PASSED on it. As in “No thanks” to your naked body and hot sex that I’ve been dying for since I fucked up and caused you to throw up due to catching my hair on fire on NYE (currently topping the Stupidest Moves of 2008 list).  Not only could I have had hot angry sex, It would have been with someone listening in other room. (God, WHY?!) And I have to say that F usually isn’t into the voyeurism-ness that I love. So it would have been hot sex, angry, with someone listening in the other room, at F’s insistence AND (there’s more?) yes. This person just happens to be someone that I absolutely would have loved to have listen to my hot angry sex because well… because she deserves it (that’s all I’ll say about that).

And why did I refuse? I don’t even have an excuse. None. I was mad. I was really angry. I got so fucking mad about something so ridiculously insignificant in comparison to the invitation of having hot angry sex that I let it cloud my already clouded thinking. So the only thing I can do is write about it. And I’m especially so very very pissed at myself for it because now I’m back at work and work has proved to slowly suck my young feminine crazy porn-loving sex hormones from me due to all of the 50ness around me. (Everyone I work around, except for my misogynistic boss who has prostate cancer, is a menopausal woman!)

And so I passed on hot angry voyeuristic sex that my mortal enemy would have been forced to listen to. And that was probably the single Stupidest Move of 2009. My only New Years resolution that I actually announced at midnight was to have more great sex. So maybe if I actually write it down, it will happen. Please don’t let me become fifty now that I am back at work.

New Years Resolutions:
1) HAVE MORE GREAT SEX

Its fun to look back on this long journey…
sometimes its important to look back, to guide you where you are currently going…

[Me in the desert with one of Mariela's "up-dos," circa 2001.]

This year’s New Years Eve was a lot of fun…until Mariela lit her hair on fire…

Yes, flames of hair. The image is completely burned on my mind. It was so sick. It was just too much for me. Lately I have been so excited to have Mariela’s hair back in effect–flowing and longer than eva! It’s seriously beautiful.

Just yesterday I was yackin’ to my hair stylist about how excited I am that my lady’s hair is BACK FROM THE DREAD.

And then, last evening we got blasted drunk on red wine. We talked of crazy things. We were flying far above in the clouds together and then Mariela laid her head right in the plate of candles!!?? What the fuck! I mean, her hair is totally okay today. But the image of her hair on fire and her actually stamping it out with her hand was just too much for my drunken head. I was horribly sick…the curse continues…

“We are the demons.” I am the curse.

So I was inspired by my stylist and her hilarious blog post about her new years resolutions because this year, more than any other year in recent past, I have been looking forward to this day. A clean slate. A fresh start. It’s like a chance that you can take and make it the best that you can. It’s completely up to you…“it all comes down to you” right? Right.

I wish that life was that straightforward and easy sometimes, but then I would be just as bored with life as I am with the other repetitive easy things in my life. If there is one rule–its that I always choose the challenge. Some may see that as learning the hard way or taking the hard road, but I see it as a need to break through…brick walls.

Regardless, I am developing a plan. Some of these ridiculous resolutions were obviously drunken induced, but without further ado, the list for 2009:

• Make more lists…
• Doodle & draw more often…
• READ more!  I’m so easily distracted!  Reading will help.
• “Star in” more Stevie Nicks fantasy videos in my head.  I SEE music.  It’s just how I roll.  I need to spend more time with music.
• Wear headphones more often…
• CALL people more and avoid “just texting instead”…I can’t just sit back and bitch about the crappy communication the human race is developing.  I need to at least do something in my tiny little sphere.
• BE TRUE TO MYSELF–even if everyone hates me or cannot understand sometimes…
• Go VEGAN. Well, soon anyway.  I have to complete a few random things first.
• Focus on projects more seriously and make major things happen for CopyCatFilms in 2009…redefine our goals and projects with realistic and some unrealistic projects on the table.  It’s important to dream BIG.
• WRITE more and specifically for projects, scripts, film ideas, and memoirs!
• Finish our crafting table or throw it out!
• Develop part-time work either with Etsy and/or film gigs
• Cut back on expenses severely
• Cut back to part-time at work
• PUSH litigation with any and everyone over my teeth drama
• Remember that I am in control of my own destiny.  I can’t keep sitting back and waiting for life to just change.  It’s all up to me.
• Try to avoid looking like such a fool…at least so often.
• Incorporate more Baltimorian words in my regular speech…because I’m a wald animal.
• Exude my inner confidence more and not be ashamed to like myself…despite my obvious and not so obvious shortcomings.
• Refuse to absorb others misery at any and all costs.
• Reduce clutter in our studio work areas…well everywhere really.
• Work a little more with quirky animation ideas using software at NU…eventually convince myself that I MUST have some of the software…
• LEOPARD operating system to give us use of our audio mixer again–update our podcast more, even with just audio.  We’ve got a lot to say, even if no one listens…that has never stopped us before.
• Go back in time as often as possible.
• Live in the present every single moment that I can…
• Fix my pocket watch…its ticking too loud without a battery…
• and just breathe…

Wow, apparently a storm is a’ comin’ for the Windy City tonight!??!
We’re expected to be hit with almost a FOOT of snow…and not a god damned hill one to sled down! Funny, we saw the most pathetic sight last night. Two little kids were trying to sled down a landscaped tiny “hill” in front of a high rise. It was sad. Not a hill.

Sledding will forever remind me of one particular cold, FROZEN night in St. Louis. A group of us decided to go sledding at “Art Hill” the only place worthwhile for sledding in San Louie. Mariela always remembers that I was wearing my overpriced “destroyed” jeans with huge holes in them over my “Santa Suit”, my standard red union suit wool flannel. It was retarded to go sledding with holes in my pants, but I felt then, as I still do now…that the red accented the jeans perfectly showing thru the holes! In fact, I was wearing the same gettup today. Anyway, we HAD A BLAST that night. And by “we” I mean me and Mariela. It was as if we were alone in a crowded group of friends. They just drifted and disappeared down the hill somewhere and we laughed and struggled around on the pure ICE that covered the entire hill to the museum. There was a fire to gather around and bails of hay at the end of the hill to keep us from crashing through onto the frozen pond. But hours of sledding abuse had destroyed several bails and exposed sections of the lake…adding to the danger and excitement that we tend to lean into.

We claimed that we wanted to sled together because we were “unstoppable with all of our momentum together,” but everyone knew that she was just looking for an excuse for me to wrap my legs around her! But off we would go! We sailed down the hill at top speeds…

The night is emblazoned on my memory partially because of the head trauma. During one of our excited descents I felt that we were going TOO fast and that it was my duty to save us. I had my legs around Mariela’s waist and grabbed her arms and slammed both of us face first into the ice on my right side. We slid along for several feet and I remember reaching out to her in my almost unconscious state to grab her hand so that she wouldn’t slip into the water (frozen water)…and I remember being so surprised that I actually found her hand. I knew that I would never be able to let it go…

We both saw stars…like in cartoons.

So today, with the storm approaching, I want to freak out like everyone else and RUN to the store–buy up all kinds of food and pack into the apartment like a bunch of squirrels! However, sadly…I don’t even have the money to go and buy a damn thing. Ah well, such is life.

The best thing about snow in Chicago is that it forces the robots and walking zombies to at least slow down for a little while. Sure, they still won’t look you in the eye–even if their lives depended on it–but at least everything slows for a bit and almost feels like livin’…

I am sooooo looking forward to having a little time to just be! I need to get all of my shittin’ ideas organized in order to proceed with anything! Every time I start a project or try to complete one that has been in a state of almost-done forever–something horrible happens…my curse flares and strikes me to my knees. It’s the good and the bad…

like the storms that I wear on my sleeve…

And as a really unrelated side note, I would like to say that my lady has removed her dreads. I had really come to love the weird and wacky styles that she wore them in, but I seriously hated them to touch me. So it is really a pleasant surprise that her big bouncy curls are back longer and lovelier than ever…

and she made me this awesome VW Snowflake…

Okay, we are always, I mean ALWAYS, looking for weird hard-to-find items for our film projects and any other crazy crafting projects that we come up with…

So we were delighted to learn of this bizarro warehouse of such goodies. It was like a big fun house with everything imaginable! They had crutches, bottles, beakers, recorders, slime, kazoos, air propelled rockets, those special little paper tape things to go on stacks of money (you think that’s useless until you sit for hours constructing stacks of money with homemade paper tape binders!), crazy kits for kids, and every kind of small electronic part you could think of…motors, fans, etc.–you name it! It was a blast. We looked at everything twice.

American Science & Surplus
@ Foster & Milwaukee…

We use a handy Canon Elph SD800 IS for on-the-fly bits of video here and there and always run into the problem of not being able to use the files in Final Cut Express or Pro without either losing the audio or having some strange frame rate issue.

I always troubleshoot the problem and eventually figure out what I did in the past, but I feel it necessary to make a NOTE TO SELF so that next time, I can go right to the answer:

1. Open .avi file with QT Pro application.
2. Export to QT Movie (.mov)
3. Then import the file(s) back into FCE or FCP!

Easy. So why do I search every moleskine I have used for the past 2 and a half years before FINDING IT EVERYTIME!

Hooray! The heavens opened up and heard my call…
Stevie will be touring again with Fleetwood Mac soon according to this article
on NowPublic.

And P.S. that’s my photo and stencil used as one of the pictures in the article.

Nothing could possibly be hotter than this video of Lady Nicks…

Ya just gotta LOVE YouTube for the Stevie ring you can get on!

Oh wait…maybe this is the hottest. I can’t believe it has Robin…(Stevie’s long time best friend that died of lukemia cancer after Belladonna)

But then…there’s Luau Stevie…wow.

I haven’t had really any time to doc or log my life because lately I’ve been too busy livin’ it. Its been nice to be out and abooot…spending time with people that shape who I was, who I am, and who I think I’d like to be in the future. I had the most fun, exhilarating, and exhausting week of vacation. It was on par with my usual form of excitement with lots of ups and downs–perfect for the emotional roller coaster that I am!

My vaca started with a visit from my dear friend from time, B. She came from Milwaukee on the train to party for her birthday in Chicago. We had an awesome dinner at the Colombian restaurant. We were witness to two bad dates at ‘the bad date table.’ A guy actually got up from the table and leaned in to kiss his date in front of the xmas tree–and she DODGED him!!! It was priceless. I also took B to ‘The Meinl’ austrian coffee cafe for cake-before-dinner. She didn’t like it at first because it appears kind of fancy and strange–well and it was kind of dark and romantic which I’m sure made her hate being dragged there with a dyke–but by the time we left, she seemed to appreciate The Meinl for what it is. Still she was bitter at me by the end of the night (4am), of course, because none of the guys were to her liking, but I’m usually a disappointment when it comes to guys…
Hell, I’m usually a disappointment when it comes to her. But I tried to show her a good time–and at least I had a good time right! Besides, what should I expect…always hanging out with straight girls exactly equals disappointment for somebody! ;-p I just never seem to get it.

And at least I got to dance a Conway Twitty song with a friend from work…I mean, I haven’t been OUT somewhere and heard Conway since my Grandma used to throw quarters at me in the neighborhood bar and say “Here Tiger! Go play the jukebox!” I would stand in front of it and dance to “Tight Fittin’ Jeans”…and “Slow Hand”…
…..”um yeah, no wonder you’re a lesbian.”

–I don’t think it was Conway Twitty darlin’…I think it was Stevie Nicks singing about her love of other women and her sexy red pouty lips…but I could be wrong–call me crazy!

Stevie says it better, herself:

Sometimes it rages…rock a little
Even when it’s calm…still rock a little
Just like the sea…I rock a little
Some say it was just like me
Still rock a little

Then you knew her…funny little dancer
And you watched her all night long
You were trying to learn from her teachers
One thing that she wanted
She would not be tangled up…in it

Hit it,
It’s about time, Lily
Oh, I know Lily
Rock a little

I know Lily. It’s funny because I was just telling some friends about how Stevie broke my heart during the PBS taping because she snubbed me and wouldn’t give me her signature on my Rock a Little CD. They laughed and thought I was stupid because I said that I couldn’t watch her videos or anything for almost a year, but its hilariously true! I always listen to her words, but I just couldn’t look at her face. Ha! I’m better now and have almost completely forgiven the lady. Now, when I work in our studio, I sometimes play Stevie concerts/interviews, etc. on the computer to desensitize myself and get used to seeing her face again. Bwhahahah! I’ve even hung her 3′ x 5′ poster on my wall again. I guess I’m gettin’ back on board again–even though I “let that golden hair get in [my] way” a bit. Still I have to admit that “it all comes down to you.” Stevie is pure magic…

Strange fascination
Some kind of temptation
To know Sister
Never having allowed yourself
Do you understand the word, pleasure
Well, you say it’s just never crossed your mind
And she believes you

let that golden hair get in your way, baby

–Stevie Nicks, Sister Honey

I can’t stop listening to her, just because she wouldn’t stop and waste her time on what she thought to be a completely crazy stalker. How was she to know that it was divine intervention and that my boss had sent me down there at that moment, on that day, and we were supposed to meet? Maybe another time…

I spent Saturday again with said friend, B, but this time in Milwaukee and I loved it! The people & places were all really friendly and absolutely charming. I really really LOVE Milwaukee for it’s quirkiness and “Baltimorian” qualities. It seriously makes me feel like my dreams of weird films made with local freaks and crazy people would be possible in a place like Milwaukee. Everyone seems kind of strange and happy to be doing their own things. I love the way they all love Milwaukee on this ridiculously sick level. Its fun. It reminds me a bit of St. Louis. It makes it almost feel like home, even to me–never having that feeling of my own for any place that I’ve lived. I’ve lived a life of disconnection and roaming, a gypsy. I like it that way, but I also only do it because I’m searching for home really. But I’ve been doing that since I was 10…

I so wish that the politics of Wisconsin were better for gays and I wish that I could take my job with me because I would move to Milwaukee in a moment’s notice! I should just become a transman–I’d have all the rights of a man! What a great move to make! Really I can’t think of a more lucrative decision!

But then, I’m only really considering that because of the movie I watched last night, Tipping the Velvet. Wow…it was a completely shocking account of a trans-man and all the pussy you could imagine! It was set at like the turn of the century, but all these “boi’s” were so hot dressed as men…in their little page-boy type gettups…and their leather strap-ons! It was SHOCKING, hot, and gave me such weird dreams that I watched it again last night for a second round!

She probably goes under another name
Well, that’s a good idea…

–Stevie Nicks, Imperial Hotel

In related news, my creative block has completely engulfed my life. I have not been able to produce or complete ANYTHING in a very long time. I CANNOT concentrate. I have been consumed in my mind with crazy drama and problems, most of which are self-inflicted. I have been filming bits and pieces here and there, but I cannot believe the lack of uninterrupted time chunks afforded me these days? I have decided that I seriously need a change of pace or to change my situation in some hugely drastic way. My brain has been hijacked for many many months now. I’m trying to hammer out a plan that I can actually execute to change my situation drastically, but it ain’t easy.

I spend too much time dealing with work/obligations/responsibilities/chores/driving/animals and then bitching about all of those things as well. I never have time to relax and just let my thoughts morph into ideas anymore. And really, lately when I do–they automatically gravitate towards sex instead of artistic endeavors. I’m starting to feel out some paintings that are quite sickening, but that might be the path I need to take now. It would indulge my fantasies and at the same time give my brain the artistic outlet that it needs too. If it’s supposed to just be all about sex right now, I should just ride it out obviously. I guess I’m just on that upward peak to the mysterious phenomenon of a woman’s sexual peak at age 35!

Huh, at least I have a while…whew!

Can’t believe it’s this late already…
I’m leaving for vacation and have a ton to do.
However, I feel like absolute GARBAGE today. I was awake almost… all night…

I made a fabulous card for my friend’s birthday, if I do say so myself. She’s uber critical and a major bitch for sport, so I honestly did not think that a card would be completed…but I was feeling inspired last night.

I also watched too many L Word episodes at once…which also contributed to my night of restlessness…

And speaking of the L word…I have decided that I seriously need to do something for MYSELF this Thanksgiving. I’m declaring it a day that is ALL ABOUT ME. I received extremely disturbing news yesterday. I want to help, but worry that I can’t and that it wouldn’t be good for me anyway. It just makes me want to recoil and run away. But I feel a debt that I should try to pay…and then move on with the “about me” plan…

Life is crazy these days. Just when I think I’m getting my head together, somebody comes along with a big hammer and smashes my head apart. So now I start all over again…rebuilding and sorting through the pieces–sweeping up all the shattered parts that are too gutted to use in the reconstruction.

I was shot down for Grad School completely. Lately, I have been obsessed with the idea of trying to get an MFA in Film. However, having attended the “Harvard of the Midwest” and being as poor as dirt means that I have a whopping $140k outstanding student loan debt because of the collection charges and other fun stuff added on over the years. I realized that there will NEVER EVER be a way for me to return to school. That feels very strange for me…because I love to learn. I read instruction, textbooks, and how-to manuals as my only form of reading sustenance. It takes away that childlike feeling of still dreaming…I can be ANYTHING if I just try hard enough. It’s not true anymore. I can’t be a lawyer or doctor… Ah well, never would’a anyway. It was a wakeup call for me because I AM a filmmaker and that’s all that matters. It was a call to force myself to believe in myself and continue to forge ahead on this path of building my production skills and company from the ground up. I only wanted to go to Grad School so that others would tell me how great I am. I don’t need that to be successful. I just have to remember to tell myself that and all will be fine! And most importantly, I have to continue to produce…anything and everything that is inspired. I’ll also have to push myself further by expanding my network and experiences, which may mean moving to a more artistic and open environment. The bar/pod culture of Chicago is quite boring.

My first order of business is to get editing space either on my hard drive by deleting old projects or getting a drive. Since this is an economic crisis and I won’t be able to afford a drive for some time, it is probably best to just make DVD copies of the projects (or even write them back to tape) and move on! Why spend money on a drive? I’ve got a 500 GB drive with tons of CRAP on it. I deleted 18 GB of just podcasts alone! Whatever, I certainly do not need to provide housing space for other people’s work.

The short is nearly completed but I really have not had that moment of clarity about the sound. I want it to be composed by someone that knows something about music or I need to find that zone for myself and just do my best with SoundTrack to create the mood. But I feel good that it’s closer.

I finished and DVD’ed my childhood best friends video for her mom. That was really very difficult to edit and get through. She died two years ago but it has taken me so long to get through it. It may be the only video of her in existence, or if it isn’t, it’s at least the only LIKE THIS–pure Mary. Every time I would render and rewatch I would start to miss her all over again and cry like a big baby. But it is done and I feel good about that…even though I don’t really want to give it to her mother or son.

We’ve been filming a lot for an Obtuse episode, actually two episodes that I’m really excited about…

And we’re still working on the documentary. I’m hoping to take some time this weekend to brainstorm and develop more ideas and structure for that project. I want it to be brilliant.

A month and a half…the clock is ticking! Tick Tick TICK!